Waiting For You Read online

  He’s been asking a lot of questions too, questions that I don’t have any answers for. When you first left eight months ago, he and mum, wanted to know why. That’s when I came up with the bullshit excuse about your dad’s work, but since then I’d come up with what I thought was a better excuse. Something that could help explain things in the future. I told them that they weren’t your real parents, that they were only foster parents and you’d had to move because they couldn’t look after you anymore.

  It was pretty fucking stupid of me because now, when you’re stuck with these arseholes (sorry baby, but that’s what they are), my previous explanation has only created a million more questions. Dad wants to know how you can go from the people who lived next door to us and were clearly more than capable of providing for you, to the ones who can barely afford to keep a roof over your head. To the ones who almost killed you.

  And I don’t know what to tell him, because I have no fucking clue either.

  All I do know is that I need you to wake up, Evie. I need to know that you’re ok and that this hasn’t destroyed you like it’s destroying me.

  I need you to wake up and remember me…I know you don’t remember me right now, but I’m sitting here looking at you, never forgetting a single thing.

  And you just look so tiny and fragile lying in this bed. I just want to crawl in there and wrap my arms around you, hold you and keep you safe from everything. I promised you I would always look after you and would always protect you. Do you remember that, do you remember me promising you that?

  Well I feel like I failed you, Evie. That seeing you like this means I haven’t protected you at all.

  But I swear to you, from now on, I intend to keep that promise, Evie, I really do. And that’s the other part of why I’m writing this down. You don’t know me yet, but you will, as soon as you wake up. And until that happens, I wanted to say it, to spell it out in black and white, so you’ll know I mean it. Really mean it.

  I will always look after you, Evie. I promise.

  Finding you again tonight, after I lost you, has been the greatest day of my life. But finding you like this breaks me. Breaks me like you wouldn’t believe.

  So please, Evie, please don’t disappear on me again. I can’t bear the thought of you ending up somewhere worse. I can barely live knowing you have to go back to these people. Just know, I will find a way to keep you safe, I promise.

  I love you, Evie, I’m going to tell you that this time.

  Dad’s coming, I’ve gotta go…please wake up, baby, please.

  Love, Ben x

  9:45 pm - 29 February 2012

  Evie doesn’t say anything when she finishes the letter this time. Just lowers her hands to her lap and stares off into the distance. She’s leaning against me, her back to my side, her body tucked against my shoulder and her legs stretched out on the couch. My arm is wrapped around her and the room is quiet, only the distant noise of traffic to fill the silence.

  “You okay?” I eventually ask, squeezing her gently.

  Her head falls back onto my shoulder and she gazes up at me. I can see tears in her eyes. “I don’t know,” she whispers. “I can’t…I just can’t imagine what that night was like for you. And I really can’t believe you think you failed me, Ben.”

  I give her a half smile. “It was kind of the best and the worst night of my life,” I admit. “Getting you back. Getting you back was amazing…but then realising what you’d been going through…it killed me, Eva. It still does. And I did fail you, baby,” I say. “I know I did because I couldn’t protect you…I couldn’t…”

  “Ben,” she whispers, her hand coming up to brush my cheek. “It wasn’t your fault, you know. None of what happened to me with those parents was ever your fault.”

  I shrug, not knowing what I’m supposed to say to that. It might not have been my fault, but I still felt like shit having to watch it. And knowing she’d been living through it for the previous eight months, knowing she was so close but I didn’t even know. That just made it all worse

  “You know I could hear your voice that night,” Evie says, her hand still on my cheek. “I could hear you talking to your dad, could feel you holding my hand. Even felt you kiss me. I had no idea who you were or what was going on, but everything about it just felt so safe and so warm.”

  “Really?” I ask, surprised. I never knew this.

  Evie nods. “Yeah, really. It was hard to explain, hard to understand, but I just knew it felt familiar. I knew I should somehow know your voice and your touch. It all just felt so right, like something we’d done a million times before that night. Only I couldn’t work out why…” she adds, her words trailing off.

  I bend down and press a soft kiss to Evie’s lips. A part of me so badly wants to somehow forget this moment, this night when everything seemed so awful. But as awful as it was, I also know that they were the reason she came back to me. That if that fire hadn’t have happened, god knows how long it might have been before I saw her again, before she found her way back to me. And all of that would have meant Evie would’ve been stuck with them for even longer.

  “How long was I asleep for?” she asks, her mouth still against mine.

  I kiss her once more. “Couple of hours,” I whisper. “Dad had called me as soon as he got to the hospital. I was home watching TV and legged it over there. He told what had happened, about finding you and of course had a million questions for me. Thankfully a nurse distracted him, wanted him checked out too, and that’s when I wrote the letter. I knew you wouldn’t remember me yet, knew you still had no idea I even existed, but I needed to get these things down,” I say, watching as she continues to stare up at me. “I desperately wanted you to wake up, but I also had to get the anger and frustration out of my head before you did. I didn’t want you waking up to that.”

  “Ben…” Evie whispers, turning so she’s facing me now. I watch as she stares up at me, her hand sliding to the back of my neck. “None of this was your fault. Please, Ben, I really need you to believe that.”

  I blink at her and try to look away, but Evie’s fingers press harder against my neck, keeping me in this moment. Eventually I nod, more to make her happy than because I actually believe it.

  “Say it,” she whispers, knowing exactly what I’m doing.

  I stare back at her, wondering if she really doesn’t blame me for any of this, if she really believes that I didn’t somehow fail her. “I tried so hard to find you this time,” I whisper, not looking away now. “I’d started making the list, of all the places you’d shown up and your families and stuff. I knew it wasn’t much, but I was trying to work out if there was a pattern. I even did this.”

  Evie watches as I reach for the box of things again and grab the old map of Fleet that I’d marked all her locations on. Back then I’d thought if maybe I could look at it on a map, like they do in all those crime shows, then something would suddenly jump out at me. Obviously it’s either complete bullshit when that happens on TV, or I’m a fucking moron, because I could never see anything in Evie’s movements.

  “Oh wow,” she says as I hold it out to her.

  “I know. Eventually I had to get a bigger map,” I say, pulling the next one out. “One that included the whole country, but this is how I started.”

  Evie stares at the two maps, at all of the locations, including her most recent one, circled in black marker. “It’s amazing how close we were in the beginning, isn’t it,” she says. “How lucky that was given we were so young.”

  I nod, even though she isn’t looking at me. “I know. I used to wonder about that too. Why it was that you stayed in Fleet initially and then always in the UK.”

  Evie glances up at me, smiling. “Did you come up with any explanations?”

  I shrug, smiling at her. “Sort of,” I admit. “Although I’m not sure it’s much of an answer.”

  “Tell me.”

  I let out a deep breath. “I guess I thought it was because I was always meant to find you,
” I tell her. “That whatever this was, however it worked, it kept you close when we were kids, because that was the only way I was ever going to be able to find you.”

  Evie’s face softens now as she smiles at me. I watch as she leans in and presses a kiss to my lips. “Yeah, it would’ve been pretty hard if I’d moved to another country.”

  My eyes close. “Please don’t even say that, I can’t imagine what it will be like if that ever happens.”

  I feel her hand on my cheek and I force my eyes to open. She holds her other hand in front of me now, the tattoo right in my line of sight. “I’ll find my way home, Ben,” she whispers.

  “Yeah, I know you will,” I say. “It just might take longer, that’s all. And what if you wake up in China or something, somewhere you can’t even speak the language?”

  Evie laughs now as she pats my cheek. “Ben, don’t worry. As soon as I remember, I’ll know where I’m supposed to be.”

  “Hmmm,” I say, turning to look at the map, wondering if there ever was a pattern to where she went, or whether it really was all just random.

  “So,” Evie says, her fingers sliding along my stomach and into the waistband of my sweats now, distracting me. “Should I pay up and then we can move on?”

  I know exactly what she’s doing and why she’s doing it. And honestly, the way she’s touching me right now, the feel of her fingers on me, I’m pretty sure I would say and do just about anything right now.

  “God, that feels so good, baby,” I moan, my head falling back on the couch.

  Evie laughs, her mouth at my ear, her breath soft against my neck. “Pretty sure that’s what you said the first time I ever did this. Do you remember that?”

  “Mmmm,” I murmur, having no clue about anything except what she’s doing to me right now.

  “You okay with this form of payment?” she asks, her voice breathy and sexy as hell as she slides my sweats down. I lift my hips a little, helping her out, knowing I am perfectly okay with this form of payment.

  “Oh yeah,” I say as Evie lowers her head to my lap. “Oh fuck, yes.”

  25 December 1992

  Dear Evie,

  Merry Christmas, baby. I’ve just gotten off the phone with you and we’re hundreds of miles apart and I really wish you were here with me. But you’re not and seeing as we’re apart, I thought I’d write to you again.

  I miss you, so much. And I especially miss all the things I could be doing to you right now. God, Evie, all this stuff that’s been happening between us. The touching, the fooling around…it’s driving me fucking insane.

  I want you so bad!

  My bloody sister and all her interruptions.

  But it’s got me thinking, well thinking more than usual. Of course I can’t stop thinking about you and all the things you’ve been doing to me, but there’s something else too.

  Two things actually.

  The first involves getting you away from those so-called parents of yours. And the second involves us finally getting some alone time together. I didn’t say anything on the phone because I haven’t worked it all out yet, but I promise you I’m trying. And if they both work out, my god…everything is going to be amazing.

  So amazing…

  Shit…sorry, I gotta go babe, Dad’s calling, some family thing again. Hold tight, ok? I hope your Christmas really has been good and you weren’t just saying that to me on the phone to make me feel better. I hope those arseholes have kept their hands off you and you are happy.

  Spend as much time at Sarah’s or our house as possible. I need to know you’re safe.

  Love you, so much.

  I’ll see you soon…

  Ben x

  10:33 pm - 29 February 2012

  “You cheeky shit,” she says, smiling up at me.

  “What?” I ask, grinning.

  “You knew at Christmas that you were coming home early?”

  I laugh, sinking back into the couch and pulling her closer. We’re laying down the length of the couch now, our clothes once again back on and the blanket over us. I’m starting to wonder if maybe we shouldn’t have just done this in bed. At least there would be more room and no chance of getting caught by our daughter.

  “Ben?”

  I kiss the top of her head. “Like I said in the letter, I was working on it. I’d spoken to my boss at work and begged him for extra shifts. I just didn’t know if it was going to pan out,” I tell her. “Obviously it did.”

  “Obviously,” she says, grabbing my arse. I grin at her and raise my eyebrows suggestively. “You still could’ve told me that you were trying,” she adds.

  “What and ruin the surprise?”

  “Surprise?” she says. “I thought I was dreaming when you showed up!”

  “I was just glad you were at my house and I didn’t have to wait until I’d finished work the next day before I could come and see you.”

  “Yeah, and we can thank my parents for that again¸ can’t we?” Evie says.

  I let out a deep breath, pulling her closer so she’s laying half on top of me. “I know, but at least it was the last time. And thank fuck it was, because I’m pretty sure I would have killed them had they laid another hand on you again.”

  Evie slides her hand under my t-shirt so it’s resting on the skin of my chest, right over my heart. “I thought you were going to kill them that night,” she says.

  “Yeah, I know,” I say, staring up at the ceiling. “Me too.”

  We lie in silence, both of us thinking back over the events of that night. It was a huge turning point for us, in so many ways. Not just because Evie came to live with us, and she and I basically moved in together, but because I proved to her, for the first time, that I really could look after her.

  As soon as I’d seen what they’d done to her, the ugly bruise that had formed around her eye, the swelling on her face, it was like something inside me snapped. She’d had bruises before, cigarette burns too, but nothing like this. Nothing so obvious and so violent. Suddenly, not doing anything just seemed like the worse thing I could possibly do, even when it felt like I’d already waited too long. When I’d already failed her in so many ways.

  Up until then, I guess I’d always just taken the easy way out. Yeah, I always made sure that she was at our house as much as possible. I mean she practically ate dinner with us every night. And I never used to walk her home until it was late, hoping to god her parents were already passed out so I knew she would at least be safe for the rest of the night. And on the odd occasion that she needed to be at her place, I always tried to be there with her too. I’m pretty sure her mum and dad hated me, but that’s okay because I hated them as well. We never actually spoke to each other, only crossing paths a couple of times. Those times were bad enough and I didn’t really bother to give them the courtesy of acknowledging their presence. Anyone who could treat their own daughter the way they treated Evie didn’t deserve to be alive, much less any respect.

  But that night I came home and saw what they did to her; it changed things. I knew taking the easy way out wasn’t going to be enough anymore. And I knew I had to prove to Evie that I meant what I said when I told her I would always look after her. So I left her in my bed and ran to her house to finally confront her parents and do what I should have done months ago.

  “So, am I to take it that you’d already talked to your parents about me moving in too?” Evie says, distracting me. She knows I hate this time in her life, these parents she was stuck with.

  I glance down at her, smiling. “Yep.”

  Evie shakes her head at me. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that either?” she asks.

  “I didn’t want to say anything until they’d agreed,” I say. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up until I knew it was really going to happen and I could get you away from those people.”

  “Did they take much convincing?”

  I shrug. “Yes and no,” I tell her. “I mean they’d obviously seen what had happened to you with the fire and eve
rything. And I guess the bruises on your arms, they knew about those. I think they were more concerned about interfering, causing trouble with your parents, than anything to do with you actually coming to live with us. But that all changed after Christmas.”

  “Your mum and dad have always been so amazing,” Evie says. “So kind and loving and accepting of me.”

  I smile down at her. “That’s because they love you, baby,” I tell her.

  Evie nods. “I know they do, I love them too, always have. I’ve always thought of them as my real parents, more than any of the others I’ve ever had.”

  I chuckle a little. “I guess that’s pretty much what they became, huh? I mean after this time, you never really had much to do with those arseholes ever again.”

  “Not really,” she says, lost in thought.

  And she didn’t. Somehow, getting her away from them was easier than either of us ever expected. Either they didn’t really notice she’d ever left, or they really didn’t care. But when we went over to her house and packed up all her stuff, we walked out of there and never looked back. Her parents hadn’t been at home, but even when they must have come home that night, they never came looking for Evie.

  She left them a note to say she’d gone. Her idea, not mine. I didn’t think she owed them anything, especially as she’d been living with me for a week or so already and they’d not said a word. She figured at least this way, they wouldn’t ever try to send out a search party, or have a leg to stand on if they tried to get her back. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I didn’t think that would ever be an issue.

  I mean, sure they never knew where I lived to ever come and find her, but they did know where she went to school and there was still Sarah across the road. But for whatever reason, and my guess is that because they were just complete arseholes who couldn’t care less, they never once tried to get her back.

  I stroke my fingers across her cheek, tracing her cheekbone, her jaw and down her neck. Evie smiles, even though I know she’s thinking about this life, nearly twenty years ago now. She shuffles around a bit and leans her head back on my shoulder.