Losing Me Finding You Read online

  I pull back realising he has no idea what happened to me. I didn’t get the chance to tell him that last day we were together because I was too scared. And then I ran out of time.

  Oh no.

  Time.

  The beeping of my watch.

  Standing at the window trying to answer Ben’s question.

  He saw; he saw everything that happened that night. Oh god, I disappeared right in front of him.

  I swallow as I look up at him. Ben lets go of me, as if he remembers he’s at work and hugging customers is not exactly the right thing to do.

  “Evie?” he repeats and I realise I still haven’t answered him.

  “Um,” I say, sounding like a complete idiot. Why am I so nervous? This is Ben. The boy who walked me to school, the boy who promised to look after me, and the boy who rescued my cat. But he’s also the boy who kissed me and the boy who asked me to be his girlfriend.

  And that makes me very nervous. Because now I’ve remembered everything, I wonder if Ben remembers everything too? Does he remember the last thing he asked me before I disappeared? He saw me disappear…oh god.

  I take a deep breath as I finally meet his eyes. “Hi, Ben,” I say, trying to make my voice sound normal.

  Ben’s mouth lifts in a half smile as he answers, “Hey, Evie.”

  We stand staring at each other and I can’t help but feel like time is running out again. I need to meet my mum, I need to get the things she’s asked me to get and go and find my mum.

  “I, um…so…” I don’t know what to say, how to even start explaining this.

  “Where have you been?” Ben asks. It’s the most obvious question, but it’s also the one I don’t know how to answer. “Where did you go that night, Evie?”

  “Evie?” I hear my mum say and as much as I want to stay, I know I need to go. I look up at Ben. “What time do you finish work?” I quickly ask, not wanting this to be over yet.

  “What?”

  “Work,” I repeat. “What time do you finish? I can meet you somewhere, anywhere. I’ll explain everything, I promise.” My words are a rush, all the things I wanted to say two years ago, on the verge of spilling out of me now. Suddenly, I need him to understand, to know what happened. Suddenly, I just want to tell Ben everything.

  Ben stares at me. “I finish at four,” he says. “I can meet you wherever.”

  I’m calculating the best place between my house and Tesco’s. “How about the park over on Finbury Road?” I ask him. “I can meet you there at four?”

  Ben’s nodding at me before I’ve even finished my sentence. “Promise,” he says as I take a step backwards. “Promise me you’ll be there, that you won’t disappear.”

  I nod at him. “I promise,” I say, just as my mum says, “Oh, there you are, come on sweetie, we need to go.”

  I watch as Ben looks up at my mum. The shock is obvious, his eyes wide, his mouth slightly open. He turns back to me and I’m begging him not to ask the question, not here where she might hear him.

  “Your mum,” he whispers. “She’s…?”

  I nod, raising a finger to my lips to silence him. “I know,” I whisper back. “I’ll explain,” I add on and then I quickly turn and walk towards my mum, knowing I haven’t found a single thing that she’s asked me to get.

  But I have found what I’ve been missing all this time.

  I get to the park at three-thirty, not wanting to risk missing Ben. I couldn’t bear it if he thought I’d disappeared on him again. I’m lucky I’ve found him so quickly and I can’t believe after all this time that he’s been so close. I remember where his house is now; can remember where I used to live and the family I used to have before this one. I wonder what happened to that house and to those people. I wonder what happened when they woke up and I was no longer sleeping in my bed.

  I climb up onto the monkey bars and wait. The sun is shining and it’s still warm. Just after four, I see Ben walking towards the park. He’s carrying a backpack and he has a jumper tied around his waist. I can’t stop the smile as I watch him walking towards me. He’s so grown up now.

  Ben doesn’t say anything as he climbs up and sits beside me. I watch as he opens his bag, pulling out two bottles of coke and two chocolate bars. He hands one of each to me and we both sit in silence as we eat our snack. He’s close enough that I can feel the warmth of his body, but not close enough that we are touching.

  It’s funny, but it feels weird to be with him again. It’s a good weird though, because now that I remember him, I can remember all of the things I like about him. I remember that Ben is my best friend and that he’s been my best friend in my other lives too. I can’t believe I could ever forget this.

  But, for the first time since I’ve known Ben, I’m feeling a little strange about being around him again. Watching him walk towards me, having him sit so close to me now, the memory of his hug in the supermarket. It’s making my chest tighten and my heart beat a little faster than usual. I don’t understand it. I don’t get what’s going on here.

  “What happened that night, Evie?” Ben eventually asks me, his legs swinging beneath him.

  I’m staring at his feet wondering how I’m supposed to answer that question. He saw for himself what happened, I disappeared. I don’t know how much more information I can give him, because I don’t really know much more either. I still haven’t worked out why this happens to me.

  Ben is still waiting for my answer, so I take a deep breath and just say the most obvious thing I can. “I disappeared.”

  “Yeah, I know that, silly,” he says, his foot gently kicking mine. “I saw it happen, remember?”

  “You did,” I repeat, wondering how the hell he can be so calm about it all. I mean I disappeared.

  “You were watching me that night, Evie. You know I saw it happen.”

  Only now though. Only now that I’ve remembered he exists at all do I remember all of the things that came before. “Yeah, about that,” I say, finally looking up at him.

  “What?” Ben asks, his eyes meeting mine. He looks completely serious, as though he really wants to know what happened to me and doesn’t find any of this strange. I’m not quite sure how it is we are having a conversation about me disappearing right in front of him without one of us freaking out.

  “I don’t remember,” I tell him quietly.

  “What do you mean?” His voice is soft, as though he doesn’t want to scare me.

  I take a deep breath as I try to put my confusion into words. “I disappeared,” I repeat. “But when I disappear, I wake up in a different life and I don’t remember anything that came before it,” I say, my eyes back to staring at our feet. “I just know that it’s somehow different to the life I had before, but that’s all.”

  “Wait, hang on,” he says. “When you disappear and wake up somewhere else, you don’t remember where you were the night before?”

  I shake my head even though I’m not looking at him. “No, I don’t remember anything from before,” I tell him, wondering if he’s going to ask the obvious question next.

  I feel Ben’s fingers as they gently touch mine and when I look at our hands, which are side by side on the bench between us, I can see his little finger is wrapped around mine. “But you remember me,” he says quietly. “Both times it’s happened, you remember me as soon as you see me.”

  I exhale loudly. Ben’s smart, of course he’s going to ask the right questions. And he’s almost right. “I do remember you,” I tell him, still staring at our feet. “But I don’t as well.”

  “I don’t get it,” he says. “What do you mean, you don’t as well?”

  I lift my eyes to his, wishing I could explain this in a way that makes sense. “When I go, Ben, I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember my previous life or any of the things about it. I wake up the next day, knowing something is different, that this isn’t the life I had the day before, but I don’t remember how or why.” I stop and take another deep breath before I continue. This is
the weirdest part because it’s the part that really doesn’t make any sense. “And I don’t remember you at all,” I say quietly.

  “But when you see me, you do,” Ben says, sounding even more confused. “You remember me straightaway. I saw it happen today, Evie. I saw it happen last time when we moved next door to you, that’s what happened back then, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, I know. When I see you, I do remember you,” I tell him, ignoring the last part of what he said.

  “But what, you don’t remember me until you see me?”

  “Right,” I say, nodding at him.

  “Huh,” Ben says, staring down at our joined hands again. “So does anything else happen when you see me?” he asks, surprising me. It’s not the question I expected him to ask.

  “Yeah,” I say quietly, my heart pounding so loudly in my chest, I wonder if he can hear it too. “When I do finally see you and remember you, everything else comes back as well. All of the things I’ve forgotten, all of the things that came before, they all suddenly come flooding back. You…” I say, ducking my head now so he can’t see my face. “You make me remember everything, Ben.”

  I feel like my cheeks have turned bright red. I don’t even know why I’m embarrassed by the fact that I’ve just told Ben he is the key to unlocking my memories. It’s the truth and even though I can’t explain it, I can’t change it either.

  Ben doesn’t say anything for ages and eventually, I have to look at him. When I do, I find him staring at me with the strangest expression on his face. He’s confused, but there’s a bigger part of him that’s intrigued and there’s a tiny smile on his face too, almost as though he’s happy.

  “So I make you remember everything?” he finally says.

  I nod, unable to take my eyes off him. “You do.”

  He smiles at my answer. “But if you can’t remember me to begin with, how do you remember me when you see me then?” he asks.

  I shrug, even though I know exactly how. I’m not embarrassed anymore. Ben is being surprisingly cool about the whole thing and I know he would never make fun of me about this. He might tease me from time to time, but it’s not to be mean. Ben just isn’t like that. And right now, he’s genuinely interested in trying to work this all out.

  “I don’t really know,” I eventually say. “When you moved next door to me and I heard your voice for the first time, it sounded familiar, but I still didn’t remember. Then as soon as I saw you, I did. Same as today. As soon as I see you, it all comes back. Everything I’ve forgotten, suddenly comes back,” I say, my voice a whisper. “And it’s all because of you.”

  Ben says nothing, just stares at me as though he’s trying to make sense of it all. “I wonder if it’s only seeing me,” he eventually says. “I mean hearing my voice didn’t make you remember, right?”

  “No,” I tell him. “It was familiar, but it didn’t make me remember you. I guess if I’d listened for longer, maybe it would, but who knows. What else could make me remember do you think?”

  Ben shrugs. “Dunno, what if you heard my name or something?”

  Now it’s my turn to shrug. “I don’t know.”

  Ben smiles at me. “Well maybe we’ll find that out next time,” he says and I still can’t believe he’s being so cool about all of this.

  “Maybe,” I say, hoping there isn’t going to be a next time. “But you do know that I’d try and find you though, don’t you?”

  “What do you mean?” Ben asks.

  “I mean if I remembered,” I say, staring up at him. “It’s not like I want to forget you, Ben.”

  Ben stares back at me. “I should hope not, Evie,” he says, a cheeky grin lighting up his face. “Because I never forget you.”

  I’ve suddenly lost my voice. I don’t know what’s going on here, why things suddenly feel so… different between us. What’s happened this time around to make everything so different?

  “It’s pretty weird, huh?” I finally say, kicking Ben’s foot in a desperate attempt to lighten the mood, push away this new thing between us. I watch as Ben lightly kicks mine back before hooking our ankles together, so are feet are joined. It makes my pounding heart skip a beat and when I look up at his face, I see Ben is staring at our still joined hands.

  I watch him, try to work out what he’s thinking. Just as I’m about to ask, he finally looks up at me and whispers, “I think it’s pretty cool actually.”

  And suddenly, my heart isn’t just beating hard inside my chest, now there are butterflies dancing in my stomach too.

  What is he doing to me?

  And how is he so okay with all of this?

  3rd March 1990

  Fourteen years old

  “So do you know what happened to your other parents?” Ben asks as we walk towards the park together. We’ve been hanging out every day since we found each other again. Without even discussing it, we meet up after school during the weekdays and on the weekends, after Ben finishes work. It just happens naturally and neither of us questions it. Somehow in amongst it all, Ben has become my best friend…again.

  His family has welcomed me back with open arms too, which has been amazing. There’s been a catch though, because it’s come with a million questions that I’ve had to come up with answers for. Most of the time, I wing it, Ben occasionally coming up with an answer to save my butt. It’s not great, but we’ve managed. We’ve at least avoided it at my house because Ben’s never been over to meet my new family. They’re hardly ever home anyway, so there’s not much point and it’s just easier this way.

  Plus I love Ben’s family. Now I remember them, I remember how much I’ve missed them.

  “Nope,” I say, kicking a stone so it skips down the road in front of us.

  “Don’t you want to know?” he asks, glancing at me.

  I shrug. “I don’t know…” I say.

  “Well I did,” he says, surprising me as he kicks the stone, which we’ve now caught up to. “I went over there after you’d gone, you know.”

  “You did?” I ask, stopping in my tracks.

  Ben smiles as he grabs my arm and pulls me to keep walking. My skin tingles from his touch. “I did,” he says, kicking the stone again. “I had to do something, had to find out what the hell had happened to you.”

  “And?” I ask, curious. I’ve never known what’s happened to the family I leave behind. I’ve wondered if they’ve forgotten about me just as I’ve forgotten about them. Or are they left to wonder where I’ve gone, just like Ben has.

  “And someone who wasn’t your mum answered the door,” he says, his hand brushing against mine and sending shivers up my arm.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, my fingers tingling. “They’d gone too?”

  “Yeah,” Ben says, glancing down at me. “They’d gone, you’d gone, it was like none of you had ever existed.”

  “Weird,” I whisper, not sure what to make of this.

  “I know,” he says. “But then when I saw you with your mum that day, she was completely different to your old mum…”

  “Yeah,” I say, knowing now that she’s actually my fourth mum.

  “You know what that means?” he says.

  “What?” I ask, glancing up at him.

  Ben looks down at me, smiling. “It means that your other families must completely disappear, Evie. But you,” he says, nudging me with his shoulder. “You get to stay. You just move somewhere else and I have to find you again.”

  The way he says this to me, I have to look away.

  Look away before I say or do something stupid. All of these little things that weren’t there between us before, but are now, are making me confused. The touches, the tiny little glances, the smiles. I like how they all make me feel, even if I don’t know what to make of any it. While Ben’s always been my friend, my best friend, he’s never been like this. And the only way I can describe it, can make sense of it is, in this life, Ben Foster has somehow found a way to get under my skin.

  “Maybe they disappear for
good,” I say trying to distract myself from the way he’s making me feel.

  “Maybe,” he says. “I mean that would be my guess.”

  “Yeah,” I say as we reach the park and automatically head towards our spot on the monkey bars.

  “I’m glad you don’t disappear for good though,” Ben says, as we settle on the bench at the top and he hands me the chocolate bar and coke he always brings me from work.

  “You are?” I ask, surprised.

  Ben nudges my shoulder again and I have to grip the bar this time to stop my body from sliding off. “Of course I am, Evie,” he says, laughing at me. “You’re my best friend.”

  “You’re mine too, Ben,” I say, smiling up at him.

  Ben stares at me, the smile still on his face and his blue eyes alive as he asks, “You really remember everything from before?”

  All of the air disappears from my lungs. Is Ben really asking what I think he’s asking, the question he asked me three years ago.

  I nod. “Everything,” I say.

  Ben smiles as he looks down at me. “Good,” he says, before taking a mouthful of his coke and looking away.

  And I feel myself smile, as I wonder if he realises that I want him to be more than just my best friend too.

  Of course I want more.

  I did answer yes that night.

  2nd April 1991

  Fifteen years old

  “Hey,” Ben says as I step outside my front door.

  I stop; surprised he’s here. “Hey,” I say back.

  Ben smiles at me and I get that funny feeling in my stomach again; it’s like butterflies. “What are you doing?” he asks me.

  “Nothing,” I shrug. “Going for a walk,” I glance down at my dog, Paws, who’s sitting at my feet, patiently waiting.

  “Mind if I come along?” Ben asks, rocking on his feet as he waits for my answer.

  “You don’t have to work?” I ask, even though it’s obvious he doesn’t.

  “Day off,” Ben says, still smiling at me. “So, do you mind?”