I Love You, Always Read online

  “Really, and say what?” Jared asks.

  I run my hand over my head as I sit back on the couch and put my feet up on the coffee table. “Dunno, tell him how much he pisses me off, how annoyed I am that he showed up here,” I say. “Tell him to fuck off, for good this time.”

  “I’ll come with you,” Jared says, turning back to the TV.

  I smile, because I knew he’d say that, and I knew he’d want to, and I kinda love him for it. But I need to go and do this by myself. I know Jared has his own set of issues with my dad, and I totally understand that. But this time, this is something I need to do by myself. This is something I need to do for myself.

  “I know you would, J,” I tell him. “But I need to go and do this, alone.”

  He turns back to me again. “You’re sure?”

  I nod. “Yeah, I am.”

  “You’re not worried about what he might do?”

  I know what he’s referring to. Hitting me. If he can do it once, twice actually, then what’s to stop him doing it a third time? But as much as I don’t think he would do that again, this time, I’m prepared for it. This time, I won’t just stand back and let it happen.

  “Nah,” I say. “I don’t think he’d go down that path again. I’m pretty sure that was a one-time thing.”

  “Pretty fucking serious one-time thing,” Jared says.

  “Yeah,” I agree. “But it was pretty provoked, and in any case, I don’t think he would’ve liked how it made him look.”

  “Like a fucking asshole you mean?” Jared asks and I can’t help but laugh.

  “No, like an out of control fucking asshole,” I say.

  Jared smiles. “Yeah, maybe,” he eventually says quietly, and it occurs to me that I’m not the only one suffering here.

  “How are you doing?” I ask him. “Are you and Mia okay?”

  Jared takes a sip of his beer, glancing over at Mia who is oblivious sitting at the dining table. He watches her for a few minutes and I can see, even now, all the love he has for my sister. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to look after her. Even though the stubborn ass doesn’t exactly need looking after, I’m really glad she has Jared there for her when she does.

  Jared turns back to me. “We’re okay,” he says shrugging. “Mia doesn’t want to talk to him or see him at all, but she’s doing okay, she’s talking to me at least, which as you know, is a big improvement.”

  “And you?” I ask him.

  Jared exhales loudly. “I fucking hate him, Luke, you know that. And…”

  “And I don’t blame you for feeling that way,” I say, interrupting him.

  “Yeah, I know you don’t,” he continues. “But I want to say something to him, badly. Fucking lay in to him for what he did to Mia, to you...”

  “And to you,” I add on.

  Jared shrugs. “Maybe.”

  “Definitely, Jared,” I say. “He hasn’t just fucked with me and Mia, he’s fucked with you too. I know this and you know this. You have every right to hate him. And don’t ever think that I will think any less of you because of it, okay?”

  Jared shrugs again. “I don’t, Luke, really.”

  “But?”

  He glances back at Mia. “But, she doesn’t want me to,” he says quietly, even though there’s no chance Mia can hear us. “She doesn’t want me to go anywhere near him.”

  “Yeah, I kinda get that too,” I tell him. “So, what are you going to do?”

  Jared smiles now, glancing at me quickly, before his eyes move back to Mia. “Like I have a choice,” he says, laughing a little. “Your sister could get me to do just about anything, dude.”

  I laugh, smacking him over the back of the head as I stand up. “Pussy,” I say, even though I’m sort of relieved.

  “Fuck off,” Jared says, laughing. “Like you’re any different.”

  I smile, knowing he’s totally right as I turn and face the rest of the guys. “Hey, so tomorrow, I gotta go take care of some shit with my dad. I’m gonna head over there first thing and then I’ll meet you guys at the studio.”

  “You want us to come with you?” Steve asks, looking up at me.

  I smile at them, wondering how the fuck I got so lucky to have met these guys. Who’d have thought a random run in with Jared in a shitty diner in the middle of nowhere all those years ago could’ve landed me here.

  “Nah, it’s cool, but thanks.”

  “You sure?” Ben asks, concern in his voice because he saw what happened back in our apartment years ago.

  “Yep, I am, it’ll be fine. And I promise tomorrow will be a better day.”

  The guys nod and I turn, say goodnight to Mia, and head upstairs to find Ash. She’s already in bed reading, so I grab a quick shower before sliding in beside her.

  “You okay?” she asks me.

  I smile because she asks me this a lot these days and I’m wondering if this is payback for all the times I used to ask her.

  “Uh huh,” I murmur as press a kiss to her bare shoulder.

  “Distraction again?” she whispers.

  I smile as I kiss my way towards her neck, stopping to gently bite her collarbone before kissing my way up her neck, across her jaw to her lips. “More than just a distraction, beautiful girl, much more.”

  “Mmmm,” is all she says, her hand wrapping around my neck as she pulls me closer.

  I roll my body on top of hers, my hand sliding down her rib cage, her waist, her hip, all the way down her thigh to her knee. She reads my mind and lifts her leg, draping it over my hip as I slowly push inside her.

  “Luke…” she moans, and hearing my name fall from her lips like that makes my whole stomach flip.

  I open my eyes and watch her beneath me. Her eyes are closed, her bottom lip between her teeth now, as I slowly start to move. She is so fucking sexy, so beautiful, I can’t take my eyes off her as we move together.

  I can hear Ash’s heartbeat start to slow down, the steady thump of it under my ear as I lie with my head on her chest. She’s slowly moving her hand, back and forth, across the top of my head, her legs still tangled with mine.

  “You were right, beautiful,” I whisper into the darkness. “I’m going to go and talk to him.”

  Her hand briefly stops, before it starts moving again, back and forth. “Want me to come with you?”

  “No,” I say immediately, having absolutely no desire to have Asha anywhere near that man, ever.

  “No?” she asks, her hand stopping again.

  I move my head, so my chin is now resting on her chest, as I look up at her. “No, I don’t,” I say and watch the worry cross her face. “Not because I don’t need you or anything, okay? It’s just that I don’t want you anywhere near him.”

  “But what about you?” she asks. “Will you take one of the guys with you at least?”

  I watch Ash’s face as she asks me this and the only thing I see is worry, concern, and love. I know she’s afraid something might happen, but I really don’t think he’d do that to me again. I might not like my father, and I sure as shit don’t trust the man, but I do know what he’s like. And I’d put everything I owned on the fact that what he did to me six years ago was a momentary slip, a glitch in his cast iron facade. Because, if it’s one thing my father values above all else, it’s appearance, reputation, and pride. And what he did to me that day goes against all of that. It’s probably why I should’ve pressed charges too. God knows it would have been the perfect opportunity to ruin that precious reputation of his. But I was a different person back then, very different to the person I am now. So I didn’t and in the end, I guess I just let him get away with it.

  But not anymore.

  And while I’m not about to bring up the past or try and make him pay for what he did to me, I am going to set him straight for once. I’m going to be the one in control for a change.

  “I’m going to go alone…”

  “Luke…” she says with fear in her voice.

  “Shhh, beautiful, it�
��s okay, I promise.”

  “But what if it isn’t?” she asks me. “What if he tries to hit you again?”

  “I don’t think he will, Ash, I really don’t.”

  Ash blinks slowly, taking a deep breath as she does. “Don’t think he will isn’t good enough for me,” she says and I watch as tears start to fill her eyes, breaking my heart a little.

  “Asha…” I whisper.

  Her hand moves so it’s cupping my cheek now, her thumb slowly brushing over the scar that represents everything she is afraid of. “Please, Luke, for me?” she whispers. “If you won’t let me come, please, please take Jared with you. Please?”

  And I smile at her now, because I totally understand what Jared means when you just can’t say no to someone. It’s so very true. Asha could ask me for anything, and I’d do it. Without hesitating at all, I’d do anything for her. And I don’t care what anyone thinks about that.

  I slide myself up Ash’s body so our lips are almost touching. Her hand still rests on my cheek as our eyes lock. “I’ll take Jared with me, Ash. I promise.”

  “Thank you,” she breathes out as she closes the gap and kisses me.

  The next morning, Ash and I walk into the kitchen where both Jared and Mia are already waiting. Ash heads to the coffee machine, while I stand in front of my sister and prepare to ask her for a huge favour.

  “Mia, I need to ask Jared for something,” I say. “Something you’re not gonna like.”

  “Sure, what do you need?” he answers immediately, not giving Mia a chance to respond.

  I take a breath, run my hand over my head, and look right at my sister. I really hope she understands why I’m asking her this, why I have to do it at all. I take another deep breath, ready for her to fire up. “Mia, I’m going to go and speak to Dad and…”

  “No,” she says, cutting me off. “No fucking way, Luke.”

  “Baby,” Jared says as he walks towards her. “Just hear him out.”

  Mia is shaking her head, her eyes flicking between me and Jared as she says, “No, I don’t want you to go anywhere near him. No way.”

  “Mia,” I say, stepping closer as I glance at Ash pouring us both some coffee. Her face is calm, but I can tell by the grip she has on the coffee pot that she’s not exactly happy about this either, even if it was sort of her suggestion. I turn back to my sister as I start to try and explain why. “I need to do this, Mia. Not for him, but for me.” I glance over at Ash again and see she’s staring back at me now, her eyes flicking to Jared and silently reminding me of what I promised her last night.

  I nod before turning back to my sister. “I just need to tell him to stop contacting me, to leave us alone. And…well, I kinda want Jared to come with me too,” I say. “Not inside or anything,” I quickly add. “Just…I dunno, wait in the car or something?”

  “Why?” Mia asks. “I mean, I don’t get it, Luke. Why the fuck do you want to see him, why are you wasting your time with him, after everything?”

  I stare back at my sister, who’s sitting on the kitchen counter. Jared has moved and is now standing between her legs facing me. I watch as she wraps an arm around his chest, as though she’s trying to stop him from going anywhere. Both of them are staring at me.

  “I need to.”

  “Why?” she asks, her voice small and full of fear.

  I exhale, running my hand over my head. “I need to get this stuff, all the shit that’s going on in here,” I say, rubbing my head as if to explain it. “I just need to get it all out, make him hear it for a change. He’s always called the shots, Mia, with everything. I need to make him listen to me for once.”

  I watch as her grip on Jared loosens a little. “Do you really think he’s going to?”

  I shake my head. “Probably not,” I tell her. “But I still need to say it.”

  “What do you think of this?” Mia asks Ash, as she walks over and joins us.

  “I get why he wants to go,” she says, sliding her arm around my waist. I pull her closer as she adds on, “I just don’t want him to go by himself and he doesn’t want me to go, so…”

  “Fuck,” Mia exhales, her head falling forward onto Jared’s shoulder.

  “Baby,” Jared says, leaning back and pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Nothing’s going to happen.”

  “How do you know that?” she asks, lifting her head so her eyes meet his. “Look at all the shit he’s done in the past, to all of us.”

  Jared leans in and presses a kiss to her lips now. “I know, Mia,” he says, his voice low. “But that was then, this is now. Now, we know better. All of us,” he adds on. Mia stares at him for a few seconds before lifting her head to look at me. I know what Jared means and I’d put money on the fact that Mia does too. Because now Jared and I know the full story. We both know about all of the shit that happened over a year ago when Dad went to see Mia in Chicago. I see a flash of regret cross Mia’s face before Jared leans in to kiss her again. “Don’t go there, baby,” he whispers. “It wasn’t your fault. You know that and I definitely know that.”

  Mia crushes her mouth against Jared’s now and it’s like Ash and I aren’t even in the room. I feel her fingers tighten at my waist and when I look down at her, she presses up on her toes, kisses me quickly before whispering, “I’ll talk to Mia while you guys are gone, make sure she’s okay.”

  My hand cups her cheek as I stare back at her. I am so fucking lucky to have this woman in my life. “Thank you, beautiful girl.”

  “Always, Luke,” she says, her fingers brushing over my cheek.

  “Okay,” Mia says, bringing us all back to the room. “You and Jared should go.”

  I watch as Jared’s face registers what she’s just said. He’s surprised, even though I know he wants to come with me. Glancing at her, he says, “Baby…”

  Mia shakes her head at him. “I don’t like this, Jared, not at all. I don’t want either of you seeing him, but I sure as hell don’t want Luke going there alone either.”

  “I’ll be okay,” I tell her. “I really don’t think he’s gonna do anything.” I feel Ash’s fingers tighten at my hip and I look down, see the worried expression on her face. “But,” I continue, for her more than anything. “It might be good if you come with me, you know, just in case.”

  “You’re sure you’re okay with this?” Jared asks Mia, and I know he’s giving her an out because he can tell she still isn’t convinced.

  Despite trying to tell her that everything’s going to be fine, I understand where Mia is coming from and there’s a small part of me that’s relieved Jared is coming with me. I don’t think anything is going to happen, but it kinda feels like he should be there, just in case.

  Mia shakes her head at him, her mouth set in a firm line. Jared kisses her again before turning back to face me. “I’ll come with you, Luke, you know I will. But,” he says, his hand squeezing Mia’s arm, which is still wrapped around him. “I’m sure as fuck not waiting in the car.”

  I feel Ash exhale against me, and as I lean down to press a kiss to her head I answer, “No, somehow I didn’t think you would.”

  Track 23 (A side) – Care Less About You

  Used to think maybe you loved me

  Didn’t realise I could be so wrong

  Now, I just really fucking hate you

  And couldn’t care less what you think about me.

  ∞

  Jared and I drive over to the house I grew up in, in silence. I have a million thoughts running through my head and I think it’s safe to say, Jared does too. Both of us have issues with this guy, and both of us have things we want to say. And in what feels like no time at all, we are pulling into the huge drive that leads up to his front door.

  The gate is open, which is unusual, but at least it means we can get in. There was some small part of me that half expected to show up and be shut down before we even got in the drive. I wouldn’t put it past my father to do something like that, just to prove a fucking point.

  “Ready?” J
ared asks, as I realise we’ve stopped.

  I take a deep breath, knowing this is what I need to do, what I want to do as well. “Yep, let’s go.”

  We get out of the car and walk up to the front door. Just before I knock, Jared turns to me and says, “Just so you know, this trip is for you. I’m only here to watch your back.”

  “What?” I ask, turning to face him.

  “You and I both know I have a shit load of things I’d like to say to your dad, but today is not the day. This isn’t about me. This is about you. About you doing what it is you need to do, so we can get on with what we came here for.”

  “Jared,” I say, before he interrupts me.

  “It’s okay, Luke, really. I promised Mia I wouldn’t speak to him and I’m planning on keeping that promise to her.”

  As I stare at the guy who is not just my best friend, but the boyfriend of my sister, I’m once more reminded of how fucking lucky I was when I got off that bus in Illinois. Maybe when I got that lecture from Professor Matthews too, who the fuck knows. Whatever it was, it changed my life, in more ways than one.

  “Ready?” he asks again, and I nod as I turn to ring the bell.

  The door is answered by one of the maids my dad employs. I’ve never seen this one before, but then I haven’t been here for so many years, it’s hardly surprising. She lets us in when I explain who I am and we are taken to my father’s office. This is a room I spent many nights in, getting lectured on any number of things I’d apparently done wrong that day while my father sat on the other side of the desk. He’d make me stand there for ages, sometimes while he finished up a call or whatever, all designed I’m sure, to make me aware of the fact that my time was not that important to him. Most of the time I’d zone out, dream about the day I could escape this shit hole and just disappear. Funny how it had taken me years, and then the advice of a man just as old as my dad to finally make that happen. Of course it hadn’t exactly been easy after that, but it became that way, and that was largely thanks to the guy who’s standing beside me now.

  “Dad,” I say, stopping in front of his desk. He hasn’t even noticed we’ve walked in the room. Jared is standing by the door, letting me run this, even though I know he’s pissed. I can practically feel the anger radiating off him.