I Love You, Always Read online

  The first thing I see when I wake up is Mia’s face. I’m either dreaming or these painkillers are stronger than I thought. My head still hurts like a bitch though, so they can’t be that good.

  “Luke…” she says, throwing her arms around me just like she used to when we were younger.

  The pain jolts through me and it’s only then that I realise she is actually here, in the room with me, wherever the hell that is.

  “Mia,” I whisper, my voice hoarse from too much sleep.

  “I can’t believe he did this to you,” she says, her voice unbearably sad. “I can’t believe it.” I can hear the tears in her voice, the tears I used to hear so often when we were kids. They were usually a product of our mother, Mia never able to do anything wrong in our father’s eyes.

  I never begrudged Mia that, but I sure as fuck hated Mom for the way she did. I don’t know if it was jealousy or anger or resentment, but from the minute Mia was born, she was the only light in my father’s life.

  “Mia, stop, what are you doing here?” I finally manage to get out, easing her off me a little. “Why are you in Boston?” I’m guessing that’s where I am, even though I don’t recognise the room I’m in. It’s not the hospital, I vaguely remember leaving that place, after getting a new one ripped from Jared at the fact that I shouldn’t be.

  “Boston?” she asks, pulling back “We’re not in Boston, Luke.”

  She’s hovering over me and now that my eyes have finally focused, well the good one anyway, I can see the look on her face. She’s crying, she looks like she’s been crying a lot. It reminds me so much of when she was little and all the times she’d come into my room to hide, seek comfort from the only other person who knew what she was going through. Yet here she is, giving that comfort to me.

  “Where am I?” I ask her again, trying to pull myself up a little.

  Mia reaches out and moves the pillows for me, giving me something to lean back against. The room is in darkness, but I can see the edges of light leaking in from around the blinds, so I know it must be daytime. “We’re in Connecticut, at Jared’s parents’ house,” she says, taking my hand in hers. “He brought you up here after you stupidly decided to check yourself out of hospital.”

  “What?” I ask, surprised. I have absolutely no memory of coming here and no clue as to how Mia would know I was here. I haven’t spoken to her in days.

  “Jared called me,” she says as she gets up off the bed and walks towards, what I’m guessing is, a bathroom.

  “What?”

  Mia doesn’t answer and I can hear water running. When she walks back out to the bedroom she has a look on her face that resembles being pissed off. She sets the glass down on the side table. “I’m kinda pissed at you right now, Luke,” she says, her mad at her older brother voice now in place.

  “Mia…” I start, before she cuts me off.

  “No, Luke, hold on a second. I can’t fucking believe you didn’t tell me what he did to you. I can’t believe I only find out about this when your best friend, who I’ve never even met incidentally, finally answers the millions of calls I’ve made.” She stops for a second to take a breath before launching back into me. I know there is no point trying to stop her when she is on one of her rants. When Mia is set on something, it’s easier to just let her talk, get it all out. I reach for the water she got for me and take a mouthful.

  “Did you think I wouldn’t notice the lack of communication? Did you think not speaking to me for a week would be okay?” she asks.

  “A week?” I say surprised. “Mia, it’s only been a couple of days.”

  Mia is shaking her head at me. “No, it was three days in the hospital, Luke. It’s been three more since you got here. We normally speak every day,” she says more quietly. “I didn’t know what had happened to you when you stopped answering the phone.”

  “What, a week?”

  Her voice softens as she moves closer to me, her hand resting on my arm. “Luke, you’ve been sleeping on and off for three days now.”

  Huh, evidently these painkillers are stronger than I thought, I don’t even remember taking them. “When did you get here?” I ask.

  “Jared called me on the way up here. Said you’d checked yourself out, and because you are a stubborn ass and basically went against doctors’ advice, he was bringing you here. His mom’s a doctor you know, so he figured this was the next best place.” Mia stops, squeezing my hand in hers. “I flew in the night you guys arrived, but you were too out of it to notice,” she says quietly. “We’ve been waiting for you to wake up ever since. Viviane said it might take you a few days.”

  “You’ve been here all this time?” I ask, shocked.

  She smiles at me now as she lies herself down on the bed beside me, her head resting against my shoulder. “Of course I have, why would I be anywhere else?”

  I exhale loudly. “I don’t know. I guess I never expected to see you here.”

  Mia wraps her arm around me as she whispers, “I’m always here for you, Luke. Just like you were always there for me.”

  And then it finally hits me. Everything my father has done to not only me, but Mia as well. While the physical side of what happened a week ago definitely sucks, I feel like it’s the emotional bullshit we’ve both had to deal with, which has been so much worse. The only thing I’m grateful for, in all of this, is that I’ve had Mia and she’s had me. She’s the only person who truly understands it all, and having her here now means more than she could possibly know.

  I don’t know how long we lie in silence. It’s like Mia knows I’m finally being hit with all of this and she’s just giving me the space to deal with it. I have a million questions I want to ask her, but at the end of the day, there’s really only one that matters. “Do you know how he found me?” I finally ask.

  I feel Mia tense beside me. I don’t feel anything and I know if it somehow comes down to her, that he found me through her, I won’t be angry. There’s a part of me that’s not even sorry he did find me. Sure, I could have lived without the broken face, but really, the part I’m most glad about is the fact that when he found me, I didn’t give in to him. For the first time in my life, I didn’t stay silent, and I didn’t just run away. I actually stood up to him, I said no, and didn’t do what he wanted or expected me to do. I think at the end of the day, that’s the real reason he hit me. Not because I’d left school or wasn’t going back with him. Not because I’d embarrassed him or pissed him off.

  It was because I finally stood up for myself and said no to him.

  And that is something my father is never used to hearing, especially from his own son. I’m about to tell Mia all of this, but the door opens and I never get the chance.

  “Hey, is he awake yet?”

  It’s Jared, a guy I met in a shitty roadside diner two years ago, and whose house I’m now staying in after he paid all of my medical bills. How the fuck am I ever going to repay him for this? I really need to get out of here. Mia and I don’t belong here and I should never have become friends with Jared in the first place.

  I try to pull myself up, the pain shooting through my skull at lightspeed. I see stars in front of my eyes, but it doesn’t matter, I’m getting up, getting dressed, and getting the hell out of here. I grab Mia’s hand, half using it to support myself, half to pull her off the bed.

  Suddenly I’m pushed back into the pillows. “Luke, don’t,” Mia whispers to me. “It’s okay.”

  I grimace, as the pain doesn’t subside. “Mia, I can’t be here, this isn’t right,” I whisper back urgently. “He’s already done so much.”

  “Luke,” she says more forcefully now. “It’s taken care of. Don’t worry, I took care of it.”

  I want to ask if she’s talking about the money. Mia would still have access to hers because she never pissed my father off like I did. I also know, repaying Jared for everything I owe him is exactly the sort of thing Mia would do.

  I turn and see Jared step towards us and take a seat on th
e end of the bed. He looks at Mia first, then at me. “Yes, she’s paid for your hospital bills, Luke. I tried telling her it didn’t matter, but seems she’s as stubborn as you are.” He laughs a little and I see Mia turn to face him, a slight blush on her cheeks.

  I take a deep breath. “You have to take the money, Jared. I can’t live with owing you for this.”

  He nods at me. “It’s done,” is all he says and for the first time since this happened, I can breathe a sigh of relief.

  The door suddenly opens again and this time an older woman who looks vaguely familiar walks in. If I had to guess, I’d say it was Jared’s mom, but I don’t really remember meeting her.

  “Hey, Viviane,” Mia says, pulling herself from the bed.

  The woman walks towards us, putting her arm on Mia’s shoulder as she stands there and watches me. “How are you feeling today?” she asks.

  I watch the easy familiarity between my sister and this woman. To look at them, you’d never guess they’ve only known each other for three days, and I can’t help but wonder what has gone on while I’ve been sleeping. Turning back to Jared, I see he’s looking at Mia, a small smile on his face.

  “How’s the eye?” she asks, taking a step closer and tilting my chin up so she can look at me.

  I blink, trying to focus. It does seem clearer today. When it first happened everything was a blur, only colours and shaky boundaries defining anything I looked at. But now, I can see this woman’s brown hair, her blue eyes, and the kind smile she has on her face. “Better, I think,” I finally manage to get out.

  She smiles. “Good, this is a good sign, a couple more days and it should hopefully be as good as new.”

  I swallow at the possibility. “Really?”

  I watch Mia step towards the bed again. “Viviane is a doctor, Luke, she knows what she’s talking about.”

  “You told me that, Mia,” I say sarcastically, as I turn to face Jared and make some equally smart assed comment to him about bringing me up here. Of course he would do something like this, when he knows I’m checking out of hospital against doctor’s orders.

  But before I can, Jared stands up, next to my sister. Viviane and Mia are both smiling at me, and the three of them form a picture I don’t think I’ve ever seen. But it’s Mia in the middle of them that really gets me. She’s holding Viviane’s arm as though they are old friends, but her body is tilted back towards Jared, who stands behind her. But the biggest surprise is her face, and the smile that reaches her eyes, lighting them up in a way I’ve never seen before.

  What the fuck has happened here while I’ve been asleep?

  I’m about to ask when Viviane interrupts me. “I think today though, it might be a good idea for you to get up,” she says, moving to draw back the blinds. The light is bright, forcing me to close my eyes, but the pain doesn’t get any worse. “I’d like you to try and eat something and then maybe go outside and get some fresh air. You can sit out back on the porch.”

  Mia is pulling me from bed now and I have no choice but to get up. My legs feel shaky when I place them on the floor, but Mia and Jared stand on either side of me, supporting me as I stand up.

  I exhale loudly as I try to accept the help I’m not used to receiving. I turn to Jared to say thank you, but his look shuts me up. There is no sympathy in his eyes, no I’m sorry on his face, there is only a look that says, come on we’re getting you better and you will learn to forget this. And I find myself smiling as he laughs and says, “Doing this for a drunken Ben is far worse.”

  A half hour later, I’m showered and sitting outside on the back porch overlooking a yard that can only be described as enormous. As I glance around, taking in the gardens, the tennis court, and the huge swimming pool, I can hear Mia and Viviane talking non-stop as Jared pulls up a chair beside me. There is a pile of food on the table that looks amazing and I reach for the glass of orange juice that’s been put in front of me. Lifting it to my mouth, my eyes meet Jared’s as he watches me take it all in.

  “Now you know why the medical bills don’t matter,” he says.

  I nod. He’s loaded, obviously. He and his family are absolutely loaded. Just like my family, only I don’t have that money anymore and there’s not a chance in hell I’d ever ask them for any of it either. I put the glass down. “How’d we get here?” I ask. “I don’t remember any of it.”

  Jared smiles. “I know, that’s because your stubborn ass should’ve been in the hospital,” he says, shaking his head at me. “But, because it wasn’t, when you passed out, I got organised.”

  “Organised?”” I ask, not understanding.

  “Yeah, I got Ben to come and pick us up from the hospital,” he says, glancing into the kitchen where my sister and his mom are still talking. “And then I told him to bring us up here. There was no chance I was letting you go home, not in this condition,” he says, gesturing to my face. “And not while your dad might still be around.”

  I haven’t really thought about where he might be. He’s been on my mind constantly since it happened, at least when I’ve actually been conscious, but it’s more me reliving what he did and how I feel about it all. And that part is easy; angry, pissed, furious, livid, and ultimately, fucking hurting. In more ways than one. I still don’t think I’ve actually accepted what he did to me. Mainly because I’m not sure I can really believe he’s gone this far.

  But in all that, I’ve never really thought about him coming back to try and convince me to go back to L.A. again. I have absolutely no idea what he thinks about what he’s done to me, or whether he’d consider using the same method again. One thing I am sure about though, is that he isn’t sorry he did it. Not at all.

  “I don’t know where he is, J,” I say quietly.

  “I know, which is why we came out here. First things first, you’re going to get better. Then, we figure out whether we need to move or not.”

  “Jared, fuck,” I say, as I run my hand over my face. “Jesus fucking Christ,” I wince, the sharp pain reminding me once again what my asshole father has done. “We can’t move, J, I’m not making you do that. I’ll just move out, find somewhere else to live. This isn’t your problem.”

  I hate my father so much right now, really fucking hate him. It’s one thing for him to try and ruin my life, God knows he already did that enough when I was growing up. But to fuck up Jared’s life too, that is something else. I won’t let him do that, and I definitely won’t let him force my friend to move just because of me.

  I watch as he stares at me. “Jared, seriously. I’ll move out, you’ve already…” The look on his face stops me now. He’s angry, for sure, but it’s a hurt angry and it confuses me. “What?” I ask him, the word harsher than I intend it to be.

  “When are you going to get it through your stubborn fucking head that I am on your side, that we are friends?” Jared asks.

  “Jared, come on man…”

  “No, Luke, you come on. We’re friends okay, good friends. And friends do this sort of shit for each other. This is not something I have to think about, dude. This is not something I would consider not doing. So how about you just shut the fuck up and let me help you.”

  “Jared…” I try again.

  “What?”

  I take a deep breath, confused by what it is I’m feeling now. I don’t understand Jared or why he’s doing this for me. Getting me to the hospital was one thing, but the doctors, the treatment, coming to visit every day; that is something else entirely. And now this, fuck, I don’t know how I’m supposed to even handle this, let alone try and make it up to him.

  I take a deep breath as I work out the only thing I do know at the moment. “We’re not moving, okay?” I finally say to him. “I’m not letting that asshole do that.”

  I watch as Jared rolls his head on his shoulders. He looks tense and I guess I haven’t stopped to consider what all of this has actually done to him. Eventually he looks back at me. “Alright, we won’t move. But you are thinking about going to the cops with
this.”

  “Jared…”

  “No, I’m fucking serious, Luke. I don’t give shit if he’s your father or not, no one should get away with doing what he did,” he says, completely serious. “No one.”

  I sit here watching him and I know he’s right. If it were any other person, if I was any other person, I would do something about it. And even though I know it would destroy my father, and it’s probably the right thing to do, I just can’t do it. I don’t want to, because at the end of the day, it is just so much easier for me to walk away and forget about it. Forget about everything he did to me and just try to pretend he doesn’t exist anymore.

  Even though that is literally, fucking impossible.

  But I can’t tell Jared this, so instead I try smiling at him as I say, “Sure, as soon as we get back.” Knowing I’m completely full of shit.

  Jared just nods at me as reaches for his drink. I’m not sure whether he believes me or not. I don’t think so, but I’ll deal with that later. In the meantime, there is one other issue that needs to be taken care of, because I can’t stand the idea of owing anyone, much less this guy, for anything.

  “Jared, you have to let me pay you back for all of this. The hospital, everything,” I say, waving my hand around the porch, not really sure what else I’m including in this.

  He exhales, his hand running through his hair. “Luke, don’t worry about it. I told you, Mia has already paid me back for everything, all the bills are taken care of, okay?” he says, nodding at me. “Like I said dude, that girl’s as stubborn as you are.”

  I watch the smile that forms on his face now as he talks about Mia. His eyes have drifted from me to her as she walks out with his mom and takes a seat next to me. As I watch the pair of them, a thought suddenly occurs to me. I almost laugh at what I should have seen coming, at how obvious it all is.

  “You alright?” I hear Mia ask me and the only thing I can do is smile, knowing there is no one I would trust more to look after her.

  Track 12 (A side) – Resistance

  I never thought, never ever thought