Losing Me Finding You Page 10

  I’m shaking my head, kicking off the duvet as I try to scramble from his bed. “No, Ben, please. I don’t want you doing anything, don’t go over there. Don’t, please don’t.” I grip the front of his jumper with both hands, refusing to let go.

  Ben puts his hands over mine and gently pulls them off his chest, lifting my knuckles to his lips where he places a kiss on each hand. “Evie, I have to, okay. I can’t stand back anymore, baby, I really can’t.”

  “But, Ben,” I cry, my heart pounding. “What about you?” I ask, tears threatening. “I’m scared about what he might do to you.” My last words are a whisper, fear stopping them in my throat.

  Ben leans in and kisses my lips. “Don’t be, I can take care of myself.”

  “Please, please, just let me come with you?” I beg, knowing I need to be there to step in when this all goes to shit.

  “No,” Ben says, shaking his head at me as he stands. “I need you to be safe, Evie. Please.”

  “Ben…” I whisper, my stomach in knots at the thought of him going over there.

  Ben bends down and presses a quick kiss to my lips and then he’s out the door and I’m left tangled in his duvet, wondering whether he really did just show up and hold me or if it was all just a dream.

  But then I hear the front door slam, and I know that it wasn’t. As my fingers gently prod at the bruise on my face, the sensation of Ben’s touch still lingers. I can’t just stay here and do nothing. So, I slip out of bed, pull on my shoes and run down the stairs, closing the front door behind me and racing after him.

  By the time I reach my house though, I wonder if I’m too late. I can hear the sound of yelling from the street. Three voices, all shouting to be heard and Ben’s voice, the loudest of all.

  “What the fuck were you thinking?” he screams, so loud I wonder if the neighours will come out. “She’s your fucking daughter, you arsehole!”

  Then my dad. “Get the fuck out of here, you little shit.”

  And my mum. “Mind your own business.” Her words are slurred and I know she’s really drunk now.

  It’s only just gone midnight, but they’ll probably be at it for several hours yet. My dad will take a little longer to reach her level, his heavy build meaning he can spend the entire day drinking before it really hits him. That’s actually worse, because it means I spend the whole day waiting to see what he’s going to do to me. At least with her, she drinks, it hits her, she hits me and then she passes out, finally leaving me alone. With Dad, it’s like watching that scary movie all over again, only this time it’s being played out in real life, right in front of my eyes. And I know there’s never usually any chance of escape.

  I hear the sounds of something crashing into the wall and I’m about to run inside when Ben yells, “You’re a fucking disgrace. You should both be in jail.”

  And then the front door slams and Ben is marching towards me, heading right to where I stand on the footpath in front of my house. He hasn’t seen me yet and I have no idea what he’s going to say when he does, his face is murderous right now. I step to the right, so I’m standing under the street lamp and as soon as I do, he immediately stops.

  “Are you okay?” I whisper, my hands twisted together in front of me.

  Ben shakes his head once and keeps walking, straight towards me. I don’t move and when he is in front of me, he stops, his hands reaching for and landing on either side of my neck as he leans down to kiss me. I expect his kiss to be hard, urgent, and it is. It’s filled with anger and fear, but at the same time, love and something else. I know he’s trying to hold back and I know he doesn’t want to scare me, but he’s pissed. He’s pissed at them and he’s pissed at what I have to live through each day. But most of all, he’s pissed that he can’t protect me from any of it.

  Ben finally pulls back, his hands still on my neck. His face is calmer now, but it’s more like a mask, as though he’s desperately trying to hide what he’s really feeling so he doesn’t scare me. “I thought I told you to wait for me at home,” he whispers.

  I give him a tiny smile. “When do I ever do as I’m told?” I ask, biting my lip as I press up on my toes to kiss him again.

  I hear Ben exhale, almost in relief, as he murmurs, “Never,” just as my lips touch his. Our kiss is much softer this time, gentle, but still passionate. Ben’s lips are barely touching mine as he kisses me and my fingers finally untwist themselves and grab on to the front of his jumper, holding him to me.

  A distant roll of thunder finally breaks us apart. “Let’s get out of here,” Ben whispers, his hand reaching for mine as he turns and starts to walk us both back towards his house. I’m going with him, of course I am. There’s no way in hell I’m staying here now, not after what just went down between him and my parents. Although I didn’t see any of it, listening to it all was bad enough.

  Ben is focused and silent the whole walk back to his place. To anyone who crossed our path, he’d look determined and very pissed off. If I didn’t know him like I do, I certainly wouldn’t mess with him. But to me, he looks amazing. He looks like the man who would do anything to protect me, who would defend me without question and who would rescue me if I ever needed it. I never thought I did, but Ben has a way of surprising me when I least expect it.

  It’s not until we reach his house that he finally stops again. Turning to face me, he doesn’t say anything, just pulls me into his arms, wrapping them tightly around me, but careful of my face. I wrap my arms around his waist, pulling him closer as I bury my face in his chest and breathe in his scent. I know he’s still angry, but he’s doing his best to let it go, and I know that’s for my sake.

  “Are you sure you’re alright?” he asks, kissing the top of my head.

  “Me?” I ask surprised, pulling back so I can look at him. “What about you, Ben, are you alright?”

  I watch as his jaw clenches and I think he’s probably very far from alright at the moment. I know he probably wanted to say more to them and I’m pretty sure he’d have liked to punch them both, but he didn’t because that would’ve only gotten us both in trouble.

  “Ben?” I ask.

  He unwraps his arms and slides his hands to either side of my neck. Smiling, he leans down and gently kisses first my lips and then the bruise on my left cheek, which is still throbbing with pain. “We should put some ice on this,” he says, kissing my lips again before he pulls me around the side of his house.

  “Ben,” I say again. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

  He turns and looks back at me as we round the side of his house into the backyard. “I’m okay, Evie, really. Wait here a sec and I’ll go and grab some ice.” He gently pushes me into one of the chairs on their back deck before he quietly opens the kitchen door into the house. I sit down and lean back, my eyes toward the sky where I can just see the stars trying to peek through the clouds. I get the feeling it’s going to rain any minute.

  My eyes close as I think back over what happened tonight. We probably got lucky for now, but I’ve got no idea what tomorrow will bring, no idea the shit I’m going to face when I finally go back home.

  The door opens and the next thing I know, Ben is kneeling between my legs in front of me, gently holding some ice, wrapped in a tea towel, against my face. I place my hand over his and for a few minutes we stay in this position, just watching each other. I reach out and stroke my free hand across Ben’s cheek and he smiles at me, watches as I lean in and kiss him.

  “I’m okay,” I whisper. “Really.”

  Ben kisses me again before he stands up and takes a seat in the chair next to me. It’s only now I notice the two beers he’s holding and when he hands me a couple of Advil with mine, I smile, swallowing the pills with a mouthful of the cold liquid. As I lean back in my chair, Ben takes hold of my wrist, his fingers wrapping gently around it, still cool from the beers he was carrying.

  We both sit in silence as we drink our beers and stare at the sky. It’s cold outside, but I get the feeling both of us n
eeds it at the moment. Eventually half my face feels completely numb and I stop holding the ice against it, moving my beer to that hand. Ben’s fingers slide down my arm to my now empty hand and thread through my fingers, lifting our joined hands to his lips. I turn to look at him in the darkness.

  “Thank you, Ben,” I whisper.

  Ben’s head rolls on the back of the chair so he’s facing me. “You don’t ever need to thank me, Eva,” he says, his voice a whisper in the darkness. “I promised I’d always look after you. I intend to keep that promise.”

  I smile at him now, my face no longer hurting thanks to the ice, drugs, and beer. “I know you did. I remember the first time you made that promise to me.”

  Ben smiles. “You do?”

  “Yeah,” I say laughing a little. “I was five years old, remember? You wanted to walk me to school.”

  “I did,” Ben says laughing as he takes a sip of his beer.

  “It was adorable, I think I fell in love with you that day,” I say, still smiling. “I think my mum from that life did too actually.”

  Ben’s eyes close as though he’s remembering that exact day, nearly thirteen years ago. “I fell in love with you the year before,” he says, his smile gone. “When we first met.”

  My heart stops at his words and when his eyes open again, I’m held in his piercing blue stare, unable to look away. All at once, I’m falling just a tiny bit more in love with him. “You did?” I whisper.

  Ben nods. “I did. Walking you to school, that was kind of like our first date, wasn’t it?” he asks, smiling.

  I laugh. “Yeah I guess it kinda was,” I say bringing his hand to my lips.

  “I haven’t stopped loving you since that day, Evie,” he whispers. “And no matter what happens or where you go, I won’t ever stop.”

  I’m staring at Ben as I hold his hand, my lips resting against his knuckles. “No,” I whisper. “Me either.”

  And I know that I never will. No matter what happens, no matter where I end up, I will always love him.

  There is a sudden flash of lightning across the sky, lighting up the entire garden, followed immediately by a crack of thunder so loud it’s almost deafening. The storm that I thought was coming is much closer now. As I look up at the sky again, it is lit up by another bright flash of light.

  “Shit,” Ben says, his fingers tightening in mine just as the skies open and the cold rain starts bucketing down on us.

  It’s absolutely pounding down, a winter storm, one of those heavy downpours that starts with virtually no warning and will stop just as quickly. It’s cold and I can’t help the squeal as I jump out of my chair, my clothes already half soaked. Ben is laughing as he pulls me with him towards the back door, flinging it open and pulling us both inside. Laughing, he shuts it behind him, shaking his head so water droplets go flying everywhere, making me squeal again.

  “Evie,” Ben says in a hushed whisper that sounds incredibly loud in the silence of his house.

  “What?” I ask, still giggling.

  “Shhh,” he says squeezing my hand.

  “You shush,” I say, squeezing his back.

  Suddenly I’m hauled against Ben’s hard body, all the breath knocked out of me as my chest lands hard against his.

  “Evie Wakefield, did you just shush me?” Ben asks, his arm wrapping around my waist and holding me tight as his other hand brushes the wet hair back from my face.

  “Maybe,” I say smiling up him. “What are you going to do about it?” I ask teasingly. Ben tilts his head, a cheeky smile now lighting up his whole face and making my heart flip. “Well?” I prompt, biting my bottom lip in an attempt to play coy.

  “You’re lucky I love you, Evie Wakefield,” Ben says, his hand sliding around my neck. “Very lucky.” And then his mouth is on mine and there isn’t a single bit of space between us.

  Ben kisses me as though it’s the first time he’s ever kissed me. His mouth is firm, his lips completely covering mine as he gently urges them to part. I feel the warmth of his tongue as it finds mine and before I know what’s happening, my arms have wrapped around his waist, the fingers of my left hand sliding under the waistband of his jeans, brushing against his bare skin.

  The moan that comes from Ben is like nothing I’ve ever heard before and it makes me feel incredible. I push up on my toes, pressing my mouth harder against his as I try to get him to make it again. I can feel him pressing against me, can feel just how much this is turning him on. It’s turning me on too and I want Ben to be able to feel that. I want Ben to know what he’s doing to me.

  Something is different between us tonight. I don’t know if it’s the forced separation when we shouldn’t have had it, the surprise of Ben coming back early, or the anger at what happened while he was gone, but there’s a charge between us tonight. It’s stronger than usual, and it surrounds us, pulling us closer and closer, like magnets.

  “God, Evie,” Ben eventually says, pulling back a little as he tries to catch his breath. His forehead is resting on mine, and his warm breath hits my face, the taste of him, sweet and intoxicating, as it floods my senses.

  “What?” I ask, tightening my fingers on his back.

  Ben’s hand slides from my neck up into my hair and I feel him grip it firmly, tilting my head back so I’m looking directly up at him. It’s demanding and he isn’t letting me move, but it doesn’t hurt, Ben would never hurt me. It’s more like an I don’t want to let you go move, because I have something really important I need to say to you.

  I don’t want to let him go either.

  “You drive me crazy,” he says his voice husky with desire as he stares directly into my eyes. “Really fucking crazy, baby, do you know that?”

  I smile, loving this reaction. “You drive me crazy too, Ben,” I tell him, trying to push up on my toes so I can kiss him again.

  “Evie, fuck,” Ben murmurs, falling back against the kitchen door and taking me with him. I’m practically lying against him now and I can feel everything. Every hard line of his body, every tight squeeze of his fingers and absolutely everything this is doing to him. “We’ve got to stop,” he says, breathless. “I need to stop.”

  I kiss him again as I say what I know we’re both thinking. “I don’t want to, Ben,” I tell him. “Why do we need to stop?”

  Ben is completely still, frozen in place with me wrapped in his arms. He isn’t kissing me back now and I think he’s gone into shock at the words I’ve just said to him. Maybe he didn’t expect this after coming home and finding me like he did, but if anything, what’s happened has only reinforced everything I feel for him.

  Just how much I love him.

  And tonight, right now, whatever this is between us, it’s driving us together in a way that it never has before. In the past, when we’ve been interrupted and Ben stops, his breathing is hard and his heart is pounding as he pulls away from me. But I can always see in his eyes just how much he wants me.

  And right now, staring back at him, I can still see all of that want, and so much more, looking back at me. I love Ben and I trust him with my life. And tonight, I want him to know every single part of me and I really, really want to know every single part of him too.

  “What?” I ask, pulling back a little when Ben still hasn’t said anything.

  Ben’s arms tighten as he keeps staring intently at me. “Are you sure?” he finally asks, his voice deep in the silence of the house. “Are you sure you want to do this tonight?” His fingers gently brush against my bruised cheek, as though reminding me of why it’s okay if I don’t.

  But this is not a reason to stop for me. I smile up at him, my body tingling all over at the prospect of what’s about to happen. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life, Ben.”

  And I haven’t. I’ve wanted Ben since the first time I met him, and the second and the third. All of my versions have wanted Ben and all of us have loved him. Still love him now.

  Ben smiles down at me, his head lowering so his lips gentl
y brush against mine, softer now as he kisses me. “I love you, Evie,” he whispers, using only my first name this time. My constant name, as though he’s read my mind.

  “I love you too, Ben.”

  Ben kisses me once more before pushing off the kitchen door. He takes hold of my hand again before leading me upstairs to his bedroom.

  “Are your mum and dad back too?” I ask in a hushed whisper.

  Ben turns back to face me. “Still at my grandparents,” he says, smiling as he pulls me up the stairs now, not bothering to hide when we no longer have to. He’s also in a hurry and it makes me smile. I like that he wants this just as much as I do.

  “What about Rachel?” I whisper as he opens his door, knowing she’s been the main cause of all our previous interruptions.

  “Rachel isn’t home either,” he says, pulling me into his room. “We have the whole house to ourselves, Evie,” he adds on and I can hear the anticipation in his voice. It makes me shiver with desire.

  I shut the door behind me with my foot and am instantly wrapped in Ben’s arms. He’s walking us backwards to his bed and everything feels right, perfect, exactly as it should be. Ben’s legs hit the bed and he sits down, pulling me so I’m standing between his thighs, his hands are on my hips as he looks up me. The only sound in the room is the relentless pounding of rain on the roof. Even our breathing has been swallowed up.

  “You are so beautiful, Evie,” Ben whispers, even though my face is bruised and the room is completely dark and I can’t imagine he can see much in the muted moonlight that’s coming through his open blinds.

  I smile at him, brush his crazy hair off his forehead as I lean down to kiss him. Ben’s hands slide up under my jumper, tracing my spine as he pulls it over my head. I’m only wearing a bra underneath, but I’m not about to hide anything, Ben’s seen me like this before. I can feel his fingers unsnapping the clasp at my back so he can finally see me without it.

  I want to see him too, so I lean down and grab the bottom of his rain-soaked jumper and pull it, and his t-shirt, quickly off him. Ben laughs as he says, “You in a hurry, baby?”